Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I honestly believe I'm crazy.

I can't like someone - anyone, a guy or girl - without thinking too much about it. I like this girl now, I think. I'm afraid, honestly. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to end up being fooled by myself again. She's the first girl I've liked since Emi, and that was what. . . three years ago ? I just recently got over Emi. Emi left me for a fucking huge dyke, too. So that was a blow on my self confidence. What if I can't be masculine enough for this girl ? I mean, I'm not going to force myself to act butch and shit, but what if myself isn't enough ? I really don't see anything that great about me, and in time I'm sure she won't either. Wow, I sound emo. And to make it all worse, I'm blogging about it. haha But what's funny about this whole situation is; we are both aware that we want each other. The dancing around the subject of our crush, the consistant flirting and the way we joke around, it's really obvious. I think we're both just waiting to see who will cave and admit it first. This girl is seriously amazing. She's just so cool, and she doesn't try. Her sense of humor is the best. She tries to say she isn't perverted, but she is, and it's great. And she doesn't think she's attractive, but she definately is. She's actually pretty girly, too. I don't usually like that, but it's refreshing with her. She has a nice style. What's weird is that we've barely spoken today, it's actually bugging me a little. hm.

Honestly by Cartel just came on my ipod. ha, This song brings back massive memories. Erin, my best friend, is turning eighteen this Sunday. Man, I can't believe how we've grown up. It really just seems like last weekend we were sitting at her house, obsessing over Hellogoodbye and The Early November and talking about how hot emo guys are. haha But the best memory I have with Erin is definately the night she and Evan spent the night over at the apartment in Good Hope, and we went to Wal Mart at three a.m. and got Fast and Furious on fucking VHS. I was about eight, and she was like eleven or twelve. We stayed up all night, and watched the sun come up on my trampoline and jumped until about seven, that's when we all finally went to sleep. Evan is Ashlee's (my sister)age, and Erin's brother. They were best friends too. I really miss the old days. Before New York, before Eric, before all the bullshit in my life. Things were great then. Ask anyone, and they'll tell you. Even my mom will say it. But now I have to go get Erin a ridiculously sappy card, and put together a Jewish bank roll to send to her. haha

So, this is the end of the first serious post. Probably the last, too. I always forget about things like this. Oh well.


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