I guess I just felt like blogging.
I haven't in a while, so why not ?
Basically I'm just trying to make it through each day. Trying to keep faith in the world, and the people who I'd like to believe actually give a fuck about me. No, not my friends. Believe it or not, I'm talking about my own sister. I haven't spoken to her since winter, except for the one day she came out to my dad's to "see me." I'll skip the details, but let's just say that our relationship is pretty much fucked. She's going to have to do some intense growing up before I can even consider getting over it all.
But since my other sister, Ashlee, and I have stopped talking to the other sibling, we've grown a lot closer. I wouldn't take that back for the world. She has become one of my best friends, and I'd like to believe that she thinks the same about me.
Yeah, we still fight, but it's so funny how much quicker we get over it now.
My Love Life - or lack there of - is kind of bugging me. It seems that I just can't be satisfied with anyone anymore. There was this guy who is, physically, everything I want. He's even got an amazing personality, and one of the best hearts I've seen in anyone in a long time. But I can't get over the stupid fact that he listens to shit music. Not only that, but he's my sister's age, and he lives in another state. So, of course I'm hesitant to persue him. I just annoy myself so much because I flirt, and flirt, and flirt and it just fucks everything up. He's an amazing friend, and now, because of me being a tease, we don't talk as much as we used to.
And he's not even the only one. I was really into this guy while I was in Alabama. He kind of did the same thing I did to the other guy, except not as hardcore. First off, he's adorable. And to make things worse, he's funny and actually really smart. We spent a night together. Nothing happened. We actually just snuck out, smoked, talked about pussy and dirtbikes and whatnot, but there was that sort of vibe that we were both putting on a show. After we got back in the house and almost woke everyone up, we just layed there and talked until the sun came up. It was, hands down, the best night I spent in Alabama last July. After another day or two of hanging around each other, and me busting my ass after him almost begging me to skate with him, I decided to talk to his sister about my developing emotions. He found out, then just kind of hung around this little eleven year old looking guy - as if trying to make me jealous or something. It didn't work, it just pissed me off so I left. I still care about him, but we haven't talked much since. I don't know where we stand as friends anymore. Maybe I'll find out next time I'm in Alabama. . .
Being back in New York isn't any better, though.
My parents like to fight a lot. Shit gets broken, foul names come pouring out, and sanity is almost lost. I know, it sounds over dramatic, but if you just experienced it like I do, you'd see what I mean. I know that my life is truly a walk in the park compaired to certain others' and I really am appreciative of that, but it doesn't make it any less hard to deal with. What really sucks is that it's just so damn consistant. There may be three or four days before shit hits the fan all over again. It's not like I can just walk out in the middle of it, no matter how much I wish I could.
There is one major brightside that I acknowledge, however. At least I have God. I struggle with my faith. It wouldn't be real if I didn't. But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I know that God is the only source of strength I can rely on these days. I don't care how many people tell me He doesn't exsist. It's not my problem if you don't believe, but I do, so leave me be.
I suppose I'm done ranting now.
I think it's time for bed.
Goodnight.
- Samuel
